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mark a rayner: Vanity Thy Name is Robot

By mid-century, all the grumpkins agreed: robots were the shit. Even the most hardened humano-mechanicals were aware their robotic cousins could kick their asses. And the feed stock? Don’t be ridiculous. They were so squishy. So temporary. The on… . . . → Read More: mark a rayner: Vanity Thy Name is Robot

mark a rayner: Camusic of the Spheres 

The dreams had returned, again, and no amount of coffee and cigarettes could keep their influence at bay. The ennui was crushing at times, and even talking with an outrageous French accent would not help. He thought of his days in the theatre. Oh, the … . . . → Read More: mark a rayner: Camusic of the Spheres 

mark a rayner: Coda: The Skwib Goes Eerily Quiet

Usually, this is the last thing you see. Then something bad happens. The Skwib will return on June 29th. I just need to recharge my insanity suit. Until then, feel free to browse the archives, check out one of my books, or check out Alltop for other mental drivel.

mark a rayner: Sex with Sue

“Hi there Jeremy, you’re on the air.” “Hi Sue. Long-time listener, first-time caller. I’m a big fan.” “Thanks Jeremy, what did you want to talk about?” “What if she’s not into your face?” “In what way? Kissing?” “No, like sitting on it in a way that she delivers up her everlasting soul to the Old . . . → Read More: mark a rayner: Sex with Sue

mark a rayner: Anxious Queue

At the Skywalker Ranch, there was always a long lineup for the Princess Leia Ride, even when Stacy and her “Umbrella of Truth” was working it. Alltop would never tell a lie. Cloud City Garrison – The Portrait Sessions, originally uploaded by LukeOlsen.

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Film History 2035E: Yer Whippin’ It, Pilgrim: Critical Analysis of Devonic Headgear in Classic Hollywood Westerns

2 baffling lecture hours and a 1-hour tutorial in which your TA will try to make sense of it all This course will examine, through critical analysis of the films of Ford, Sturges, Peckinpah and Whoopzingo, the counter-temporal influences of … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Fly the Flensing Skies

In the late 1960′s Albanian Airlines’ passengers had overwhelmingly rejected their, “only a sissy needs a seatbelt,” marketing slogan. Their subsequent efforts were equally ineffective at increasing their revenues, including the following notions: no alcohol or tobacco on our flights, … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Leonides and the papier-mâché spatula

Gregorina awoke that morning feeling stranger than usual. She’d had vivid dreams of ravaging Leonides, their local butcher, with his own meat tenderizer. In the dream – or perhaps it would do her good to think of it as a … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Chariot of the Gords

As we all know, Canada is replete with Gords. Per capita, the “Great White North,” as it is known to hosers, carpetbaggers and avuncular entomographers everywhere, has the highest density of Gords of any country in the known surface world. … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Salathial Turgid, Hanging Judge

The O’Reilly Boys finally caught up with Old Judge Turgid at the Annual Pecos River Ride and Chili Jamboree. Salathial had hung their older brother Seamus “The Tinkle” O’Reilly just the year before and they were plum angry. But Old … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: A romance for the ages

It began simply. He was out on his morning rampage when he crashed through the front gates of SeaWorld. She was doing the 10 am show, trying to keep her spirits up while simultaneously pleasing her human masters and keeping … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: With Great Fez Comes Great Responsibility

Long before Giuseppe Del Balso invented cross-dimensional rift surfing, full-frontal time travel, or the pleasures of Zoot, he had many adventures, riding through the Italian countryside on his iron Dobbin. Though invented to teach children how to ride a horse, … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Snacking Cake Revenge

Muffy and Cuddles were pretty sure they had the math right, but they had a lingering worry that the explosion might ignite the Earth’s atmosphere. On the other hand, the cat was certainly never going to bother them again. No … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Greetings from Bonodminton

Research scientists from GruntWerx 3000 (The Caring Company) were thrilled to finally track down the source of the mysterious transmissions the Corporate Imperium has been receiving for centuries, proving once and for all the existence of non-human non-robotic sources of … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Cogito ergo gourd

Even when he was presented with evidence in the form of a somewhat amusing Belgian postcard, Claude refused to understand why no one took him seriously. Alltop likes gourd. Originally published March, 2010.

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Westward Ho!

Every year Jackanape’s Traveling Carnival made the arduous journey to Kamloops. The freaks preferred the train, but if none were available, a dog-cart was always an acceptable conveyance. Especially when piloted by canines with a sense style (and their own … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Indicia

Cindy Three Hats lived in a small bedroom community called Large Intestine. She had a fondness for cinnamon pain tea, inappropriate neckware, and reading from the Collected Works of Antoine Toast-mangler. Then one morning it happened: jackalope. Alltop thinks it’s … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Hello, My Name Is Indigo Montoya

Billy was up to three packs a day, but it was okay; he was in training for the All-Tar Olympics. His coach said he was a natural, and he had several lucrative endorsements even before he won any medals. He … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: The Cannon

The marketing for “The Cannon, The Ride of a Lifetime” was a tad misleading, if accurate: Hey kids, do you want to fly? Then come down to Uncle Savage’s Funzateria for Orphans and Undomesticated Children. We have the greatest ride … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Always remember: safety first

These baby gas masks are so easy to put on, you won’t even wake them up, when you slip your wee bundle of joy into it. Just be prepared for the epic freak out when they do. Alltop loves breathing … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Always willing to help

Constable MacHeath was surprisingly helpful when Torag the Bounty Hunter asked him if he’d seen a couple of aliens recently. And, did he know where he could find a decent brothel? Alltop has a policy against being helpful. But in … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Meanwhile, in Scotland

Agnes MacPummel made her living as a hired mourner, but her métier was punching the unsuspecting bereaved in the face, just as the casket was lowered in the ground. Alltop once punched itself in the face. Photo via Buzzfeed. Originally … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: What’s all this, then?

Constable Bertie Twills had no idea how to write a citation for jaywalking aliens, so he just turned his back and pretended not to see them. His partner, Constable “Jimmy” Macheath (he was originally from Glasgow), couldn’t help but wonder … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Dynastic Ambitions

Reginald Tweedsmuire had invented the tongue depressor, tongue scraper and uvula tickler (better known as the Roman Weight Management Apparatus), and he was said to be in line for a Knighthood for his Force 10 Mustache Wax (capable of keeping … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Bubble Mode

As a form of travel, giant soap bubble is suited to Buddhist monks, toddlers, and whimsical characters from children’s stories. It is not recommended for 60-year-old podiatrists with catastrophic waxy ear buildup and the inability to stand on a skein … Continue reading →