Shorter Murray Mandryk: A poll which shows the NDP picking up support from dissatisfied Saskatchewan Party voters proves my point that the NDP can’t possibly pick up support from dissatisfied Saskatchewan Party voters.
Shorter Tim Naumetz on the NDP’s consistent stance opposing Bill C-51, a position supported by 17% of respondents in a recent poll (with plenty more undecided): Boy, it’s weird that a political party would take stand on a policy issue despite the public being less than fully on board at the moment. Shorter Tim Naumetz ...
Shorter Brad Wall on what’s truly important as an oil spill pollutes drinking water along the North Saskatchewan River: I only hope this monster running amok doesn’t make it harder to sell new reanimation technologies. Or in graphic form…
Shorter Bill Morneau: Pay no attention to trifles such as a “platform”. In fact, our only election promise was to draw up budget plans on the back of a napkin if given the opportunity. And promise kept!
Verbatim Brad Wall then: (W)e may — possibly — campaign on [privatizing liquor stores] in the next election, but people will be able to decide then. In other words, we would never change the act without a mandate to do so. Shorter Saskatchewan Party response now to every invitation to make the case for any ...
Shorter Brad Wall: I plan to use every means at my disposal to personally veto any national plan to cut greenhouse gas emissions. But since somebody mentioned pipelines, the idea of a single premier unilaterally vetoing a national project is utterly offensive.
I’ve previously discussed why there was little reason to think we’d ever see Brad Wall’s government lift a finger to deal with poverty in Saskatchewan. But I must admit I’m amazed at how underwhelming the election-driven “strategy” actually is. So with that in mind, here’s the Shorter Saskatchewan Party Poverty Strategy: We must do more ...
Shorter Dustin Duncan: I’m pretty sure a health care system can’t do more than two things at a time. And for the ministry I’m overseeing, surgery is no longer one of them.
Shorter Diane Francis: I don’t much like Facebook, but this Google machine is neato. I just typed in “Harper Conservative Talking Points”, and it practically wrote my column for me!
Shorter Harper Cons: It has come to our attention that we may have come to power on a platform of “whistleblower protection“. This was a typo: our plan was instead to pursue “whistleblower prosecution”. Don’t you dare tell anybody about the error.
Shorter Stephen Harper: I only need to receive a single piece of correspondence from somebody to claim their permanent blanket endorsement of everything I might someday propose. Stay tuned for future policy announcements unveiled with the enthusiastic support of grade-school penpals, American Express, and multiple members of Nigeria’s royal family.
Shorter David Beers: We should start demanding that candidates drop out if a single poll shows them running behind because there’s absolutely no history of voters’ minds changing in the month before election day.
Shorter Stephen Harper: It’s not paranoid fearmongering if somebody’s really out to get you. So here’s to four more years of a government who’s really out to get you.
Shorter Saskatchewan Party Ministry of P3 Giveaways: There’s always a risk that the corporate giants we’re paying to take over government operations might be more interested in making money than the public interest. We’re pretty sure the only answer is to pay off more corporate giants.
Shorter Carol Goar: When it comes to Canada Post, the only options are cuts, sell-offs or more cuts. Because who could possibly want better service which also increases public revenue?
Shorter Lisa Raitt: Now that I think about it, somebody should probably be responsible for regulating vehicle safety. (aide whispers in ear) Wait, that’s me? Why is this the first I’ve heard of it?
Shorter Scott Reid: There is no indignity which we Libs we won’t suffer, and no evil which we won’t allow ourselves to be strongarmed into supporting, if it means marginally saving face for the leader irresponsible enough to embrace them in the first place.
Shorter John Ibbitson: The NDP is being entirely responsible in preparing for the possible outcomes of the next federal election, and must be punished for it.
Shorter Brad Wall: The whole concept of “From many peoples, strength” doesn’t do much for me. But “From many dinosaur remains, climate devastation”, now that gets me – and any right-thinking Westerner – all tingly with pride.
Shorter Stephen Poloz: Economic reality has a well-known anti-Conservative bias. So in the interest of neutrality, I refuse to apply common terminology to reality.
Shorter John Ibbitson: The Very Serious People hereby demand that Thomas Mulcair give a definitive yes-or-no answer on all possible trade agreements before we even know what’s in them.
Shorter Joe Oliver: We’re fully prepared to blame any recession on Canada’s exposure to international instability. But as proof of our economic competence, we’re planning to spend billions in higher drug prices and transition costs to expose ourselves further.
Shorter National Post: Rachel Notley and the Alberta NDP are keeping their campaign promises. For some reason, we think this should be a warning rather than a beacon of hope for the rest of Canada.