Categories

A sample text widget

Etiam pulvinar consectetur dolor sed malesuada. Ut convallis euismod dolor nec pretium. Nunc ut tristique massa.

Nam sodales mi vitae dolor ullamcorper et vulputate enim accumsan. Morbi orci magna, tincidunt vitae molestie nec, molestie at mi. Nulla nulla lorem, suscipit in posuere in, interdum non magna.

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Matthew Currie, 1965-2011: We Hardly Knew Ye

San Francisco (AP) – Noted astrologer, author, and Blogtalkradio show host Matthew Currie has died suddenly after a long and painful battle with hypochondria, caused when an unscheduled Solar Eclipse squared his Moon and Mars. He was 45 years old. He leaves behind a large collection of unwashed laundry and unanswered e-mails. His last . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Matthew Currie, 1965-2011: We Hardly Knew Ye

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Matthew Currie, 1965-2011: We Hardly Knew Ye

San Francisco (AP) – Noted astrologer, author, and Blogtalkradio show host Matthew Currie has died suddenly after a long and painful battle with hypochondria, caused when an unscheduled Solar Eclipse squared his Moon and Mars. He was 45 years old. He l… . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Matthew Currie, 1965-2011: We Hardly Knew Ye

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: SyFy Hates You: My Review Of "A Princess Of Mars"

Watching SyFy’s adaptation of “A Princess Of Mars” (one of my favorite books as a kid) is like watching one of your old childhood toys being brought magically to life… for the express purpose of being tortured to death by Satan-worshipping Nazi zombies. Slowly.

This movie is an abomination. May Edgar Rice Burroughs . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: SyFy Hates You: My Review Of "A Princess Of Mars"

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: SyFy Hates You: My Review Of "A Princess Of Mars"



Watching SyFy’s adaptation of “A Princess Of Mars” (one of my favorite books as a kid) is like watching one of your old childhood toys being brought magically to life… for the express purpose of being tortured to death by Satan-worshipping Nazi zombies. Slowly.


This movie is an abomination. May Edgar Rice Burroughs arise from his grave and take bloody revenge on all responsible. Now THAT’S something I’d enjoy watching.  It makes me ashamed to have cable. It makes me regret having retinas. It *almost* makes me feel sorry for Traci Lords. It’s THAT bad.  It’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” without the sincerity. It’s every stupid sci-fi cliché that was never entertaining in the first place, inadequately portrayed by Anthony Sabado’s pecs. Traci Lords looks as weathered as the Headless Horseman’s saddle, except the Headless Horseman’s saddle could probably act better. It’s like taking a sip of a fruit smoothie, only to discover it’s made from rancid blended fish guts.

Whoever gave the green light to this thing should be waterboarded until they repent, and then they should be waterboarded again just to make sure. Rubbing a DVD of this thing against your crotch would probably cause sterility. If Jesus returned to Earth while this thing was on, he’d probably just say “screw it” and blow the planet up, and he’d probably be right to do so. 

“Traci Lords” and “entertainment” do not belong in the same sentence. Ten bucks would get me a sexier time with the crackhead ho that works a few blocks away from here, and that crackhead would be both sexier and a better actress, even if she was comatose at the time. And I’d feel better about that than I do watching this movie. At best, Traci Lords is “A Princess Of Mars” the same way I would be “A Princess Of Cellblock D” if I was in prison. Except I would retain far more dignity. Yet, despite all this, she still comes across better than Anthony Sabado Jr.

It’s hard to tell what Anthony Sabado Jr. wields less believably: his sword, or his dialog. He is less believable than Traci Lord’s wig. He only has one emotional setting… assuming that “anesthetized” is an emotion. 

And, Tars Tarkas? Despite being a fictional character, he should sue anyway.

“A Princess Of Mars” is as shamelessly, unabashedly contemptuous of its audience as every movie SyFy has foisted on its audience I’ve seen in the last year. I’m assuming that the SyFy audience must now consist entirely of the paralyzed, forced to watch it by cruel underpaid nurses… and those stalwart few who keep praying that “Caprica” will somehow get better. SyFy apparently has a pure, unadulterated hatred and contempt for its audience. It makes most of the stuff on Spike TV look like King Lear.

Literate, intelligent fans of science fiction should not merely ignore SyFy: they should issue a fatwa against it. Better yet: they shouldn’t even bother. Watching SyFy slowly drown in its own excrement will be a lot more satisfying, and infinitely more entertaining.

Not recommended.

. . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: SyFy Hates You: My Review Of "A Princess Of Mars"

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Sarah Palin, Harbinger Of The Apocalypse

As someone who has sat back and watched US Federal politics for a long time, and as someone who has prayed for the change I had hoped Barack Obama would bring, I am now officially putting my hopes for a better world in the freezer for the next few years.

Why? For two reasons:

1) . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Sarah Palin, Harbinger Of The Apocalypse

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Sarah Palin, Harbinger Of The Apocalypse

As someone who has sat back and watched US Federal politics for a long time, and as someone who has prayed for the change I had hoped Barack Obama would bring, I am now officially putting my hopes for a better world in the freezer for the next few year… . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Sarah Palin, Harbinger Of The Apocalypse

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Recurring Thoughts While Watching CNN’s Coverage Of The Democratic Convention

Soledad O’BrienYour analysis is weakBut I want you babe.

.

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Recurring Thoughts While Watching CNN’s Coverage Of The Democratic Convention

Soledad O’BrienYour analysis is weakBut I want you babe.. . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Recurring Thoughts While Watching CNN’s Coverage Of The Democratic Convention

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: And The Obama VP Nominee Is…

Recently I have exposed myself (partly by choice, partly by circumstance) to more CNN than usual, and a lot more Fox News. I’ve learned a lot about the news this way. Apparently, all one has to do is get to the “facts” first and then have a couple of people shout at each other as . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: And The Obama VP Nominee Is…

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: And The Obama VP Nominee Is…

Recently I have exposed myself (partly by choice, partly by circumstance) to more CNN than usual, and a lot more Fox News. I’ve learned a lot about the news this way. Apparently, all one has to do is get to the “facts” first and then have a couple of p… . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: And The Obama VP Nominee Is…

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: 43 Reasons To Not Care Who "Values Voters" Like

Barack Obama and John McCain will appear on the same stage for the first time this campaign Saturday, at the very posh Saddleback Church for a gathering sponsored by “TheCall,” a collection of people who are in favour of Christian principles and opposed to leaving a space after the word “The.” No one is expecting . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: 43 Reasons To Not Care Who "Values Voters" Like

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: 43 Reasons To Not Care Who "Values Voters" Like

Barack Obama and John McCain will appear on the same stage for the first time this campaign Saturday, at the very posh Saddleback Church for a gathering sponsored by “TheCall,” a collection of people who are in favour of Christian principles and opposed to leaving a space after the word “The.” No one is expecting any profound policy statements: instead, it is more than likely going to be Obama and McCain trying to look more marketable to the shotguns and pickups crowd. Morality-wise, Americans want their leaders to be upright Christians, just like every upright Christian president that came before.

Let’s have a look at the moral standards Barack and John have to live up to, President by President:

George Washington: Grew pot. Sure, it was “hemp,” but he distinctly states in his diary that he separated the male from the female plants. There is only one reason to do that: ask your dealer about it.

John Adams: Spent nine years away from his wife in Europe, so could be considered a bad husband.

Thomas Jefferson: Legally owned his mistress, Sally Hemings.

James Madison: Fairly clean record, but at 5’4″ unelectable by today’s standards. Also, clearly un-American by today’s standards: “If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.”

James Monroe: Notoriously silent on matters of religion. Never made any public statements on religion, and none of his friends and family recall him discussing the matter. Thought of by many as a Deist: one who believes in God but refusing to be bound by standard Christian dogma.

John Quincy Adams: Enjoyed dueling. Drank like a fish. As Minister To Russia, allegedly kept an American servant girl as a personal plaything for the Czar.

Andrew Jackson: Leading advocate of a policy called “Indian removal,” motivated in part by the discovery of gold on Cherokee land, resulting in the death of about 4,000 Native Americans during the “Trail Of Tears” incident. Married his wife before she was technically divorced.

Martin Van Buren: Proposed to a woman in her mid-20s (granddaughter of Thomas Jefferson) not long after the death of his first wife.

William Henry Harrison: Only served for a little over a month, so no time for shenanigans. However, literally didn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain, leading to his death by pneumonia.

John Tyler: Married a 22 year old “long time friend” mere months after the death of his first wife. Subject to an impeachment vote for misuse of veto powers.

James Polk: Fairly clean. Ongoing issues with kidney stones, resulting in (among other things) surgery that left him infertile. A classic candidate for painkiller addiction, in modern terms.

Zachary Taylor: Ignored orders as a general in the Mexican War. A northerner who owned slaves on his Southern property. Corrupt cabinet. Drank a lot.

Millard Fillmore: Scandal free, but painfully boring and uncharismatic. Thus, unelectable by today’s standards.

Franklin Pierce: Raging drunk. Accused of cowardice under fire as a general. Ran over an old lady with his carriage. Died of cirrhosis.

James Buchanan: Never married, but spent an awful lot of time with Senator William Rufus King. Lived with King (whom Andrew Jackson called “Miss Nancy”) for over two decades.

Abraham Lincoln: Poorly educated. Prone to depression. May have had syphilis. Married a crazy woman.

Andrew Johnson: Couldn’t read or write until he was 18, when his wife taught him. Was subject to two impeachment attempts.

Ulysses S. Grant: Roaring drunk, by many accounts, for the bulk of the Civil War and his Presidency. Major financial scandals during his term.

Rutherford B. Hayes: “A third rate nonentity, whose only recommendation is that he is obnoxious to no one,” according to a contemporary. Thus, unelectable by modern standards.

James Garfield: (Not to be confused with the gluttonous cat of the same name) Involved in the Crédit Mobilier of America scandal, sole bidder for many important railway contracts… kind of like Halliburton today. Had a fling with a married woman.

Chester A. Arthur: Forced to resign from his job at a customs house due to a financial scandal. May have covered up having been born in Canada, and thus would be disqualified from becoming President.

Grover Cleveland: His fling with Maria C. Halpin is resulted in the birth of an illegitimate child. Had Maria committed to an insane asylum, and their child was sent to an orphanage.

William McKinley: Involved in a major personal financial scandal, but was bailed out by his friends.

Theodore Roosevelt: Generally clean, but implicated in the Panama Canal Scandal. Daughter Alice was a notorious party girl.

William Howard Taft: Generally clean, but seriously overweight and a notoriously loud snorer. Thus, unelectable by current standards.

Woodrow Wilson: One wife died, and was engaged to another in less than a year.

Warren Harding: Two confirmed mistresses. The Republican Party bought off one (the wife of a friend) for $20,000 and a free trip to Japan. The other one gave birth to Harding’s illegitimate daughter.

Calvin Coolidge: Generally clean. Was probably too busy gutting Federal control over the economy, thus setting the stage for The Depression.

Herbert Hoover: Generally scandal free, but oversaw the “Mexican Repatriation,” which saw about half a million Mexicans and Mexican Americans “repatriated” via forced migration. Thus, still electable (if you’re a Republican).

Franklin D. Roosevelt: Started an affair with his wife’s 22 year old secretary. Broke it off later when his wife found out. They started up again later.

Harry S. Truman: Generally clean, but did bump a wounded WW II veteran from his flight home, so Truman could get home sooner.

Dwight D. Eisenhower: nearly ditched his wife for a 24 year old.

John F. Kennedy: Marilyn Monroe. Judith Exner. Blaze Starr. Mary Pinshot Meyer. Probably others.

Lyndon B. Johnson: Alleged longtime affair with Alice Glass, girlfriend of a newspaper publisher. Supposedly only broke it off because of her opposition to Vietnam.

Richard Nixon: Watergate. Also, Watergate. And let’s not forget Watergate.

Gerald Ford: Pardoned Nixon. What, that isn’t bad enough for you?

Jimmy Carter: Had a drunk brother. If you’ve made it this far down the list, Jimmy’s probably looking pretty good right about now.

Ronald Reagan: Cheated on Wife Number One with Wife Number Two. Also, Iran-Contra, among others.

George Bush The First: Alleged long-term affair with Jennifer Fitzgerald.

Bill Clinton: Gennifer Flowers. Paula Jones. Monica Lewinsky.

George Bush The Second: will probably be sobered up enough by now, after his triumphant appearance drunk at the Beijing Olympics, to continue being the moral paragon that “Values Voters” elected last time.

***

Now, you were saying something about how a President has to be pious and upright…?

. . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: 43 Reasons To Not Care Who "Values Voters" Like

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Shakespeare, Sonnet XII, Reviewed By John McCain (Actual Quotes)

When I do count the clock that tells the time,And see the brave day sunk in hideous night;

-“I spent five and a half years in prison. The worst part was coming home and finding out Green Acres had been canceled. What the hell was I fighting for?”

When I behold the violet past prime,And . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Shakespeare, Sonnet XII, Reviewed By John McCain (Actual Quotes)

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Shakespeare, Sonnet XII, Reviewed By John McCain (Actual Quotes)

When I do count the clock that tells the time,And see the brave day sunk in hideous night;-“I spent five and a half years in prison. The worst part was coming home and finding out Green Acres had been canceled. What the hell was I fighting for?”When I … . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Shakespeare, Sonnet XII, Reviewed By John McCain (Actual Quotes)

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: December 21st, 2012: The Day The World WON’T End

(I’ve taken the unusual step of posting this article both here and on my other blog because I believe this is a developing scam that is going to bilk a lot of people in the coming years, and that sort of thing really annoys me.)

According to many, the world is going to end . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: December 21st, 2012: The Day The World WON’T End

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: December 21st, 2012: The Day The World WON’T End

(I’ve taken the unusual step of posting this article both here and on my other blog because I believe this is a developing scam that is going to bilk a lot of people in the coming years, and that sort of thing really annoys me.)According to many, the w… . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: December 21st, 2012: The Day The World WON’T End

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Astrologyzone.com Didn’t See This Coming

Dear Blogger.com:

I love you guys. Really, I do. A lot of us do. But you’ve recently handed me (and it appears, hundreds of other bloggers) a real pain in the ass in the form of evil, rampaging robots. More specifically, you’ve apparently unleashed a horde of hungry ‘bots designed to weed out the many . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Astrologyzone.com Didn’t See This Coming

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Astrologyzone.com Didn’t See This Coming

Dear Blogger.com:I love you guys. Really, I do. A lot of us do. But you’ve recently handed me (and it appears, hundreds of other bloggers) a real pain in the ass in the form of evil, rampaging robots. More specifically, you’ve apparently unleashed a ho… . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Astrologyzone.com Didn’t See This Coming

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Facebook Shuts Down Scrabulous: How To Not Win Friends And Influence People

Facebook has shut down access from The U.S. and Canada to Scrabulous, a Scrabble clone that has turned out to be an insanely popular feature with Facebook users, myself included.If you’ve been following this story at all, you’ll know that this is a mat… . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Facebook Shuts Down Scrabulous: How To Not Win Friends And Influence People

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Facebook Shuts Down Scrabulous: How To Not Win Friends And Influence People

Facebook has shut down access from The U.S. and Canada to Scrabulous, a Scrabble clone that has turned out to be an insanely popular feature with Facebook users, myself included.

If you’ve been following this story at all, you’ll know that this is a matter of copyright infringement, and that in North America “Scrabble” . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Facebook Shuts Down Scrabulous: How To Not Win Friends And Influence People

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Do It Yourself Paranoia: Mothra Puts On The Onion Sombrero

You may have recently been exposed to a commercial for Coke Zero involving a disembodied tongue, eyeball, and brain, debating the merits of Coke Zero while a second tongue stands in the distance and watches…

No, this is not something that happened to me on LSD. It’s a real commercial.

The thing ends with the . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Do It Yourself Paranoia: Mothra Puts On The Onion Sombrero

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Do It Yourself Paranoia: Mothra Puts On The Onion Sombrero

You may have recently been exposed to a commercial for Coke Zero involving a disembodied tongue, eyeball, and brain, debating the merits of Coke Zero while a second tongue stands in the distance and watches…

No, this is not something that happened to me on LSD. It’s a real commercial.

The thing ends with the brain breaking up the tongue/eyeball debate. He threatens to make the tongue eat dirt, and ends with this very peculiar threat to the eyeball:

“You are going to have to wear the onion sombrero. All. Day. Long. Señor.”

I’ve seen the ad several times and I can confirm that yes, the brain does say “onion sombrero.” At first I wondered if this was some slang term I simply hadn’t heard before, like “Dirty Sanchez.”

I think I have uncovered the secret of The Onion Sombrero. I think Coke is trying to launch a meme. It’s a catchy phrase, and a Google search reveals that the phrase didn’t exist prior to the commercial. And hey, if Google can’t find something, it doesn’t exist, right?

Long-time readers of this blog may recall my ongoing attempts to find a corporate sponsor. Given the underwhelming response to my entreaties, I’ve decided to attach myself to this meme while it’s young… like a pilot fish attached to the Great White Shark of Coca-Cola’s marketing department.

Thanks in advance Coke… in exchange for your unintentional generosity, I promise I won’t mention that recent settlement where you paid out $137 million US to your shareholders regarding a little matter of stock price manipulation. Or at least I’ll keep it to a minimum.

Time to sit back and rake in the Google-fueled attention!

And if Google brought you here (just like all those fine people looking for “Kat Von D Naked”), please… feel free to check out the rest of my blog. Who knows… you may end up accidentally having a good time.

. . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: Do It Yourself Paranoia: Mothra Puts On The Onion Sombrero

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: It Really IS "McNews"

“Bitch, where’s my traffic report?”

McDonald’s wants to penetrate your consciousness some more… this time by making obnoxious product placements in major American news markets.

For one thing, this may mean you aren’t very likely to see this story about a restaurant in Dearborn, Michigan that’s willing to sell halal McNuggets but won’t hire . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: It Really IS "McNews"

The Church Of Mothra - Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: It Really IS "McNews"

“Bitch, where’s my traffic report?”McDonald’s wants to penetrate your consciousness some more… this time by making obnoxious product placements in major American news markets.For one thing, this may mean you aren’t very likely to see this story about… . . . → Read More: The Church Of Mothra – Home Of The Breakfast Mojito! ©: It Really IS "McNews"