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mark a rayner: Twitterpocalypse

Writer’s note: Most of the Twitter handles are invented. And if the reverse chronology is a problem, you may prefer to start this short story at the beginning, but I recommend starting here: LandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter … . . . → Read More: mark a rayner: Twitterpocalypse

mark a rayner: Are you a famous writer yet?

This flowchart may help you answer this “important” question: Alltop is a famous humor aggregator. Flowchart by electric literature

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?

It depends on how much respect you’re looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy. From what I can see, your smaller primate groupings here … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?

Generally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped eyebrow can make or break your face. (I’m speaking metaphorically, … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you ever suffer from Twitter regret?

Foolish human! You can’t, as the appropriately ordered phrase has it, have your cake and eat it too. (Most of you lower primates get that backwards.) If you are going to be a shameless performer on Twitter, then you don’t … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Level Two: The Monkey

From The Levels of Drinking Consciousness: A Unified Theory: The Hammer leads, inevitably, to “The Inebriation,” leading you to the next layer down, the monkey layer. Now, this part of our mind understands that there are consequences to actions. It’s … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Hirsute nostalgia

I’m not sure who this is, Chilliwack, maybe? Or, Jefferson Starship? Anyway, they were a band from the 70s. I encourage you to check out some of my hairy fiction. Alltop used to play base for Cream.

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: I keep having this dream…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope your weekend is pure pandamonium! Yang your ying (or vice versa) with a little satirical fiction. Alltop has more bare humor.

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Poor career decisions

The alien on the right is thinking: “My agent is so fired.” The one on the left? He’s just experimenting with his knobs. Alltop loves a good knob experiment!

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Nine signs you’ve been watching too many horror movies

You freak out whenever someone plays the top notes on the piano keyboard. You refuse to say: “Wait here, I’ll be right back.” You are with an extremely hot person of the opposite sex, who wants to gratify your most … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: The danger of dressing animals

A monkey dressed as the Easter Bunny, dreaming of murder. Just a warning to those of you who are debating about putting that Godzilla costume on your dog. Don’t do it! Alltop loves dressing up.

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Kurt Vonnegut’s one rule

Love this quote. (via MonkeyJoys) Alltop is a humor baby.

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Monkey perv

I note this is a photo of a chimp wearing a silk kimono, taking a photograph of a bikini model from an angle which can only be described as avant garde. I’ve posted this here, only because you know it … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: How many humans ever lived?

This infographic supplies an estimate for how many human beings ever lived. (140 billion) And if that sounds like an astonishing number, imagine how crowded the planet would be if they all existed at once. Actually, you don’t have to … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: So what is life, anyway? Bill? George?

Two comedians give their take on the meaning of life, set to music. (Warning: autotune.) Sometimes people forget that comedians like Bill Hicks and George Carlin, for all their savage wit, had a soft gooey center just like the rest … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Pozo and Mr. Savage

They lived on the margins of society as a travelling entertainment act. A classic clown-and-baboon show, in the old Czech style. They had terrorized a generation of Eastern European children. Pozo the Clown (once known to his family and a … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: The Master

I still think back to those days in Japan, when I studied zazen under the guidance of Rōshi Miaki. I had been looking for something in my life, and when I stumbled upon the group of monks, quietly sitting, I … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Paging Dr. Godhead

“…whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened by absurdities.” –Bertrand Russell “The satirist is prevented by repulsion from gaining a better knowledge of the world he is attracted to, yet he is forced by attraction … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Why don’t you ever mention robots?

Oh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don’t mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by “robot”, you’re interested in the sentient “danger Will Robinson, danger!” … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?

I have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the … Continue reading →

The Ranting Canadian: I couldn’t resist posting this. According to the…

I couldn’t resist posting this. According to the CBC:

“A monkey wearing a miniature shearling coat and diapers was collected by animal services on Sunday afternoon, after shoppers spotted the animal in the parking lot of a Toronto Ikea store.”

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2012/12/09/toronto-monkey-ikea.html

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you choose a new leader?

Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself. Or herself. But we haven’t had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages (the interstitial period between the Dark Ages and the Time … Continue reading →

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mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Byron’s Epic Swims: The Alps

To this day, no one has been able to recreate the feat of naiant heroics that Byron managed in the dark fall of 1816. Having finished buggering Percy Bysshe Shelley senseless, Bryon decided to spend the winter in Venice. He … Continue reading →

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mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Clown Apocalypse: The European Atrocity

It became clear after the initial chaos, that some people had a natural immunity to the Bozo Virus. The vast majority of humans were affected, but some seemed unaffected by the clownish behaviors and grotesque physical changes caused by the … Continue reading →

. . . → Read More: mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Clown Apocalypse: The European Atrocity

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Would you rather be punched in the face than join Klout?

I completely sympathize with this perspective, but I would ask you NOT to punch me in the face. Despite my better judgement I joined. Look at Klout this way: it’s something else to feel inferior about! (Cause life doesn’t really … Continue reading →

. . . → Read More: mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Would you rather be punched in the face than join Klout?