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mark a rayner: Ask General Kang: My tinfoil hat isn’t keeping out the voices — what do I do?

The first thing to remember, in the immortal words of Douglas Adams, is: “Don’t Panic!” Hearing voices is a common occurrence for über-chimps who are just starting to come out of the psionic latency period. What is happening is you are hearing the thoughts of other apes around you, but your mind is not capable . . . → Read More: mark a rayner: Ask General Kang: My tinfoil hat isn’t keeping out the voices — what do I do?

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What should you do if you discover your leader is a hypocrite?

First of all, don’t be surprised. Then, I suppose it depends a little what kind of hypocrite. For example, if you are talking about a leader of a church — let’s say for the sake of argument, an evangelical church … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Can I Be More Charismatic?

Absolutely, it is easy for you to be more charismatic, though you will never be as appealing as I am. According to Professor Richard Wiseman (I’m not sure what he’s a professor of, but he’s British and his last name … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Why don’t you ever mention robots?

Oh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don’t mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by “robot”, you’re interested in the sentient “danger Will Robinson, danger!” … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What’s the best method for electing your leader?

Ah, not this again! You humans and your obsession with “elections” and “democracy.” It’s an illusion, just like free will. You’ve already decided who you’re going to vote for, and no amount of “though process” is going to change your … . . . → Read More: mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What’s the best method for electing your leader?

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you have infographics on your home world?

Do we? I have entire legion of hipster über-baboons devoted to cranking out these things on an hourly basis, clogging Neecknaw’s Datasphere with pretty misinformation. Before I recruited them for the Symbol Legion of Zoom, I found the über-baboons were … Continue reading →

. . . → Read More: mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you have infographics on your home world?

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Is it technically cannibalism if all you eat is a pinkie?

First of all, check the finger carefully. If it’s not a pinkie from the same species, then you’re probably okay. I was once really freaked out by Colonel (now Major) Bonzo and his wife had me over for a “special” … Continue reading →

. . . → Read More: mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Is it technically cannibalism if all you eat is a pinkie?

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’m freaking out! I’ve just learned the earth will be destroyed by the sun. Is it true?

You can relax. I don’t know where you got your information, but our best scientists don’t currently think the earth will be destroyed by the sun. In about 4-5 billion years, our sun will enter the red giant phase of … Continue reading →

. . . → Read More: mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’m freaking out! I’ve just learned the earth will be destroyed by the sun. Is it true?