OTTAWA – Former federal cabinet minister Helena Guergis is suing Prime Minister Cowboy Steve, the Conservative party, and several of their lackeys for her 2010 ejection from caucus over allegations of improper conduct. The former cabinet minister publicly stated she had been mistreated and maligned by her former boss and
Continue readingTag: Cowboy Steve
Prime Minister pulls out of Kyoto, treaty feels emotionally frustrated
OTTAWA – Reading from a teleprompter, Minister of the Environment Peter Kent announced that the Prime Minister is pulling out of Kyoto. Former meat puppet Kent added that Canada would practise abstinence from future environmental treaties, and that a proper courtship would take place in the future. “There will be
Continue readingAide: Prime Minister’s hairpiece made in China
OTTAWA – A former aide to Prime Minister Cowboy Steve said today that the leader’s hairpiece was made in China. The PMO staffer, who left the government in July, also asserted that the piece was ‘prêt-à-porter’, rather than custom made. “Honest to God, with all his money, power and status
Continue readingConservative MPs Call On Government To Ban The Export of Nickelback
OTTAWA – A growing number of Conservative MPs are questioning their government’s position on the export of Nickelback. Solid caucus discipline has been one of Cowboy Steve’s political achievements over six years in power. While open revolt over Nickelback hasn’t erupted, clear faultlines over government resistance to having the band
Continue readingPrime Minister warns NBA: Don’t prorogue season
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Cowboy Steve today warned NBA commissioner David Stern that every consideration should be weighed before the basketball season is prorogued, or “postponed”. Speaking before a lunchtime assembly in Ottawa, the prime minister referred to his own experience when he prorogued Parliament in 2008, and again in
Continue readingWhat’s playing on the Prime Minister’s iPod?
10. Snoop Dogg “Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)” 9. They Might Be Giants “Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head” 8. The Locust “Anything Jesus …
Continue readingPrime Minister introduces proportional representation bill
In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the Prime Minister today unveiled a new bill to reform Canada’s ‘First Past the Post’ electoral system that will have its first reading next week. Since coming to power in 2006, the Tories have complained th…
Continue readingPrime Minister no fan of bidet
Canadian Prime Minister Cowboy Steve’s reluctance to travel outside of Canada stems from an unfortunate incident with a bidet while visiting China. According to a leaked diplomatic cable from the U.S. embassy in Ottawa, Cowboy Steve was assaulted by t…
Continue readingConservative government now monitoring unreported crime
Ministry of Justice officials confirmed Friday that the government has recently started compiling statistics of unreported crimes. A spokesperson for MP Rob Nicholson told reporters “We are carefully tracking crimes that are unreported. Our ears have b…
Continue readingBev Oda vindicated
Not only was Conservative MP for Durham Bev Oda exonerated of all accusations, she was quickly rewarded with a newly-created cabinet post. There was an announcement from the PMO that Cowboy Steve has named Oda to serve as Canada’s Solicitor of Urban Areas. Oda’s first priority will be to create more jobs in this sector of the economy.
A triumphant Bev Oda reports for work at the corner of Parkdale Avenue and Wellington Street. An assistant said Oda would be working day and night getting the lay of the land.
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Peter MacKay tightens security on Canada – Egypt border
OTTAWA – In the wake of the recent civil unrest in Egypt, Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay has unveiled strict new security measures on the shared border with Canada. MacKay said he agrees with Prime Minister Cowboy Steve’s view that Egypt pos…
Continue readingPrime Minister marks five years in office
Prime Minister Cowboy Steve marks five years in power as Canada’s big cheese, eclipsing the tenures of long-serving Conservative heavyweights Joe Clark and Kim Campbell. Party faithful gathered to celebrate the occasion, and invited guests joined in the festivities.
Cowboy Steve was presented with a joke cake by newbie MP
Julian Fantino. The boss warned “I know where you live, Kojak”
Julian Fantino. The boss warned “I know where you live, Kojak”
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Prime Minister announces appointment of dead NFL announcer to Senate
In Ottawa today, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve named famous football personality Don “Dandy Don” Meredith to a new position in the Canadian Senate. “I am pleased to announce the appointment of Don Meredith to the Senate of Canada,” said Cowboy Steve. “…
Continue readingPrime Minister hits caucus with his rhythm stick
The party faithful thought they were attending another fat white guy Christmas party, but little did they know what was in store. Head Tory Cowboy Steve, backed by a crackerjack punk band he hired earlier in the day, entertained his ministers and staff with a rousing five-song set in Ottawa Wednesday evening.
Steve and the band opened with their cover of ChixdiggiT’s iconic “I Wanna Hump You”, followed by the NoFX favourite “We Threw Gasoline On The Fire And Now We Have Stumps For Arms And No Eyebrows”. Cowboy Steve then paid tribute to John Lennon on the anniversary of the fallen Beatle’s death with a heartfelt rendition of the classic singalong “Revolution 9”.
He closed with his version of the Vegas DeMilo feelgood seasonal number “Sex Toys for Christmas”. Brought back for an encore, the band bid goodnight with Puscifer’s “Drunk With Power”. By all accounts, the enthusiastic crowd went home satisfied.
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| Party Boy entertains the Conservative Caucus |
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Canada’s next Governor General
Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada’s 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who “represents the best of Canada,” Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada’s next Governor General.
Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where he graduated from Grade 8. He has always harboured a desire to earn his high school equivalency certificate, but never quite got around to it. A teacher said she considered Johnston to be “a little bit slow”, making him a good candidate for a career in public service. Johnston is a voracious reader, holding a public library card since 2008.
Like previous Governors General, Johnston has a very good working knowledge of the French language. Childhood friend Terry Kirkpatrick remembers Johnston crossing the border into Quebec Saturday nights to buy cheap suds. “He told us tales of seeing the French peelers at the famous strip clubs in Montreal”, added Kirkpatrick.
Divorced since the age of 52, Johnston has relied on the kindness of strangers, including a Saint John prostitute named Sylvia. It was not clear at press time whether Sylvia would accompany Johnston to Ottawa to live in Rideau Hall. Little is known of Sylvia, but police in her hometown remember her as “goodhearted” and well behaved since her last breach of probation. She sports several tattoos including the requisite tramp stamp. It is believed she has her own teeth.
Higher ups in the Conservative Party have long valued Johnston’s political experience and savvy. Johnston once wrote a letter to the editor of a local weekly newspaper, and he has voted in every federal election since accidentally spoiling his ballot in 2004.
An intrepid traveler, Johnston has visited three of the four Atlantic provinces, explaining “I were pissed off when they tells me there’s no goddamned bridge to Newfoundland.” Johnston has taken several trips abroad to New England where he likes to visit native casinos and buy cheap smokes. Johnston follows the educational series Trailer Park Boys with great interest.
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Prime Minister: "Toronto can go screw themselves, but they’ll have to do it somewhere else"
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Cowboy Steve vented his anger with Toronto today on the eve of the G8 and G20 summits. “These are the same bastards who laughed at me in high school, stuffed me into a locker and called me names, like ‘Pencil Neck Geek’. Then they don’t vote for us. Not one goddamned seat! Well guess what. Now they can’t wipe their asses without me and security seeing them. I took their city away from them for weeks. And they can’t even escape to their little Huntsville cottages, because we’re there too. We moved into their neighbourhood, and they’re paying the freight.”
Cowboy Steve extracts revenge from cool guys
“Remember, I’m watching you wipe your ass”
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