OTTAWA – Former federal cabinet minister Helena Guergis is suing Prime Minister Cowboy Steve, the Conservative party, and several of their lackeys for her 2010 ejection from caucus over allegations of improper conduct.
The former cabinet minister publicly stated she had been mistreated and maligned by her former boss and his employees. As plaintiff in the civil lawsuit, she is seeking compensation for damage she claims those actions inflicted on her public reputation.
A former staffer to the minister told the press “We would like to see his ass sued off. All the way off. He would no longer Continue reading →
OTTAWA – Reading from a teleprompter, Minister of the Environment Peter Kent announced that the Prime Minister is pulling out of Kyoto. Former meat puppet Kent added that Canada would practise abstinence from future environmental treaties, and that a proper courtship would take place in the future. “There will be no more drinking and hopping into the sack with the first treaty that comes along. Treaties always look good at 2:00 am, but considerably less so after you sober up.”
A frustrated Kyoto could not be reached for comment, but sources say the pact feels confused, hurt, and feels Continue reading →
OTTAWA – A former aide to Prime Minister Cowboy Steve said today that the leader’s hairpiece was made in China. The PMO staffer, who left the government in July, also asserted that the piece was ‘prêt-à-porter’, rather than custom made.
“Honest to God, with all his money, power and status you think he’d want the best. Instead he wears something that looks like he fished it out of the shower drain. If I were him, I’d look at buying a luxury rug, like a Shatner 3000.”
Budgetary challenges affect all departments, starting at the top
OTTAWA – A growing number of Conservative MPs are questioning their government’s position on the export of Nickelback.
Solid caucus discipline has been one of Cowboy Steve’s political achievements over six years in power. While open revolt over Nickelback hasn’t erupted, clear faultlines over government resistance to having the band listed as hazardous internationally suggest the prime minister may be forced to deal with a rare case of internal dissent.
The first public cracks in the Conservative party line came when five Tory MPs broke ranks and abstained from an NDP vote that would have banned Nickelback exports. One MP, Continue reading →
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Cowboy Steve today warned NBA commissioner David Stern that every consideration should be weighed before the basketball season is prorogued, or “postponed”. Speaking before a lunchtime assembly in Ottawa, the prime minister referred to his own experience when he prorogued Parliament in 2008, and again in 2009.
“With all sincerity, you must have the public interest in mind when deciding such a move”, he added. “If you can fake that, then you’ve got it made.”
US President Barack Obama pays Prime Minister compliment: “shooting hoops with him is great rebounding practice, the best”
10. Snoop Dogg “Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)” 9. They Might Be Giants “Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head” 8. The Locust “Anything Jesus Does I Can Do Better” 7. Coolio “Hand On My Nutsac” 6. The Flaming Lips “Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell” 5. Tammy Wynette “Stand by Your Man” 4. Stan Ridgeway “Don’t Drop the Soap With Anyone Else but Me” 3. Funkadelic “Jimmy’s Got a Little Bit of Bitch in Him” 2. Bloodhound Gang “I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks” 1. Nickelback “Something In Your Mouth”
Cowboy Steve: “Who doesn’t like a good blowjob song?”
In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the Prime Minister today unveiled a new bill to reform Canada’s ‘First Past the Post’ electoral system that will have its first reading next week. Since coming to power in 2006, the Tories have complained that a party with 30-40 per cent of the popular vote is able to attain 100% of the power.
“The proportional representation electoral method is far superior to our current ‘first past the post’ system”, Cowboy Steve said today in Ottawa. “It’s more democratic. The way we do it now is grossly unfair to the 60% of Canadians who didn’t vote Conservative in spring’s election. When you think about it, the so-called ‘strong mandate’ Canadians gave my government is really complete bullshit, if you’ll pardon my French. The vast majority of Canadians hate us and our policies, and we’re going to do our utmost to recognize and remedy that fact.”
Prime Minister: “Sometimes you just have to do the right thing”
Canadian Prime Minister Cowboy Steve’s reluctance to travel outside of Canada stems from an unfortunate incident with a bidet while visiting China. According to a leaked diplomatic cable from the U.S. embassy in Ottawa, Cowboy Steve was assaulted by the bidet while on an official visit in 2009. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office explained that the PM was unclear on the workings of the bathroom appliance and disaster ensued. U.S. officials described this late 2009 event as an “messy inconvenience” for Cowboy Steve in the cable, telling their bosses in Washington that the Canadian leader “generally dislikes foreign bathrooms, but is impressed with the speed and friendly service of foreign dry cleaners.”
The PMO declined comment on the U.S. diplomatic memo. “These are not Canadian bidets and we do not comment on foreign bidets. Who the hell ever invented those things, anyway?” the associate PMO director of communications asked the press.
Ministry of Justice officials confirmed Friday that the government has recently started compiling statistics of unreported crimes. A spokesperson for MP Rob Nicholson told reporters “We are carefully tracking crimes that are unreported. Our ears have been kept to the ground listening for every rumour, anecdote and innuendo pertaining to unreported crime. People are murmuring, and we’re carefully listening and writing stuff down, no matter how garbled, far-fetched or nonsensical it sounds. A database of unreported incidents is being compiled. We need to address the numerous hypothetical crimes.”
In Ottawa, it was whispered that Public Safety Minister Vic Toews’ neighbour’s son-in-law might have had his new mountain bike stolen from a local park. An investigation into the possible brazen crime was launched last week.
“These are the reasons that Canadians elected the Cowboy Steve government”, said Nicholson’s aide. “Our citizens deserve the protection of their police and courts to probe these possible crimes that might maybe be happening. For too long, Canada’s justice system has confused justice and revenge. The vast majority of Canadians know them to be the same thing.”
Not only was Conservative MP for Durham Bev Oda exonerated of all accusations, she was quickly rewarded with a newly-created cabinet post. There was an announcement from the PMO that Cowboy Steve has named Oda to serve as Canada’s Solicitor of Urban Areas. Oda’s first priority will be to create more jobs in this sector of the economy.
A triumphant Bev Oda reports for work at the corner of Parkdale Avenue and Wellington Street. An assistant said Oda would be working day and night getting the lay of the land.
OTTAWA – In the wake of the recent civil unrest in Egypt, Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay has unveiled strict new security measures on the shared border with Canada. MacKay said he agrees with Prime Minister Cowboy Steve’s view that Egypt poses a threat to Canadian sovereignty in the far north, citing Egypt’s 1967 border clashes with neighbouring Chile. “That type of aggression won’t go unnoticed by Canada. Borders are borders. The vast majority of Canadians support our government’s zero tolerance policy on bullying. This will be an issue in the upcoming election, an election that is being foisted on us by the Liberals and their coalition of seditious traitors, some of whom have even admitted to travelling outside of Canada’s borders.”
In Peter MacKay’s view, Canadians need to be vigilant and alert
Prime Minister Cowboy Steve marks five years in power as Canada’s big cheese, eclipsing the tenures of long-serving Conservative heavyweights Joe Clark and Kim Campbell. Party faithful gathered to celebrate the occasion, and invited guests joined in the festivities.
Cowboy Steve was presented with a joke cake by newbie MP Julian Fantino. The boss warned “I know where you live, Kojak”
In Ottawa today, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve named famous football personality Don “Dandy Don” Meredith to a new position in the Canadian Senate. “I am pleased to announce the appointment of Don Meredith to the Senate of Canada,” said Cowboy Steve. “He is well-regarded and a visible figure in his community who will bring a wealth of experience to his new role as Senator.”
When it was pointed out to the PM that Meredith was dead, the ever-cool Cowboy Steve didn’t miss a beat. “He’ll do just fine. Face it, we’ve already got a lot of stiffs in the upper house. He’ll fit right in.”
Meredith was an All-Pro quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys before joining ABC’s Monday Night Football. Larger than life, Meredith is now larger than death. Meredith died December 5 at the age of 72. Senators face mandatory retirement at 75.
The party faithful thought they were attending another fat white guy Christmas party, but little did they know what was in store. Head Tory Cowboy Steve, backed by a crackerjack punk band he hired earlier in the day, entertained his ministers and staff with a rousing five-song set in Ottawa Wednesday evening.
Steve and the band opened with their cover of ChixdiggiT’s iconic “I Wanna Hump You”, followed by the NoFX favourite “We Threw Gasoline On The Fire And Now We Have Stumps For Arms And No Eyebrows”. Cowboy Steve then paid tribute to John Lennon on the anniversary of the fallen Beatle’s death with a heartfelt rendition of the classic singalong “Revolution 9″.
He closed with his version of the Vegas DeMilo feelgood seasonal number “Sex Toys for Christmas”. Brought back for an encore, the band bid goodnight with Puscifer’s “Drunk With Power”. By all accounts, the enthusiastic crowd went home satisfied.
Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada’s 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who “represents the best of Canada,” Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada’s next Governor General.
Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where he graduated from Grade 8. He has always harboured a desire to earn his high school equivalency certificate, but never quite got around to it. A teacher said she considered Johnston to be “a little bit slow”, making him a good candidate for a career in public service. Johnston is a voracious reader, holding a public library card since 2008.
Like previous Governors General, Johnston has a very good working knowledge of the French language. Childhood friend Terry Kirkpatrick remembers Johnston crossing the border into Quebec Saturday nights to buy cheap suds. “He told us tales of seeing the French peelers at the famous strip clubs in Montreal”, added Kirkpatrick.
Divorced since the age of 52, Johnston has relied on the kindness of strangers, including a Saint John prostitute named Sylvia. It was not clear at press time whether Sylvia would accompany Johnston to Ottawa to live in Rideau Hall. Little is known of Sylvia, but police in her hometown remember her as “goodhearted” and well behaved since her last breach of probation. She sports several tattoos including the requisite tramp stamp. It is believed she has her own teeth.
Higher ups in the Conservative Party have long valued Johnston’s political experience and savvy. Johnston once wrote a letter to the editor of a local weekly newspaper, and he has voted in every federal election since accidentally spoiling his ballot in 2004.
An intrepid traveler, Johnston has visited three of the four Atlantic provinces, explaining “I were pissed off when they tells me there’s no goddamned bridge to Newfoundland.” Johnston has taken several trips abroad to New England where he likes to visit native casinos and buy cheap smokes. Johnston follows the educational series Trailer Park Boys with great interest.
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Cowboy Steve vented his anger with Toronto today on the eve of the G8 and G20 summits. “These are the same bastards who laughed at me in high school, stuffed me into a locker and called me names, like ‘Pencil Neck Geek’. Then they don’t vote for us. Not one goddamned seat! Well guess what. Now they can’t wipe their asses without me and security seeing them. I took their city away from them for weeks. And they can’t even escape to their little Huntsville cottages, because we’re there too. We moved into their neighbourhood, and they’re paying the freight.”