Prime Minister gets his ass sued

OTTAWA – Former federal cabinet minister Helena Guergis is suing Prime Minister Cowboy Steve, the Conservative party, and several of their lackeys for her 2010 ejection from caucus over allegations of improper conduct. The former cabinet minister publicly stated she had been mistreated and maligned by her former boss and his employees. As plaintiff in ...

Prime Minister pulls out of Kyoto, treaty feels emotionally frustrated

OTTAWA – Reading from a teleprompter, Minister of the Environment Peter Kent announced that the Prime Minister is pulling out of Kyoto. Former meat puppet Kent added that Canada would practise abstinence from future environmental treaties, and that a proper courtship would take place in the future. “There will be no more drinking and hopping ...

Aide: Prime Minister’s hairpiece made in China

OTTAWA – A former aide to Prime Minister Cowboy Steve said today that the leader’s hairpiece was made in China. The PMO staffer, who left the government in July, also asserted that the piece was ‘prêt-à-porter’, rather than custom made. “Honest to God, with all his money, power and status you think he’d want the ...

Conservative MPs Call On Government To Ban The Export of Nickelback

OTTAWA – A growing number of Conservative MPs are questioning their government’s position on the export of Nickelback. Solid caucus discipline has been one of Cowboy Steve’s political achievements over six years in power. While open revolt over Nickelback hasn’t erupted, clear faultlines over government resistance to having the band listed as hazardous internationally suggest ...

Prime Minister warns NBA: Don’t prorogue season

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Cowboy Steve today warned NBA commissioner David Stern that every consideration should be weighed before the basketball season is prorogued, or “postponed”. Speaking before a lunchtime assembly in Ottawa, the prime minister referred to his own experience when he prorogued Parliament in 2008, and again in 2009. “With all sincerity, you ...

What’s playing on the Prime Minister’s iPod?

10.    Snoop Dogg   “Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)”  9.    They Might Be Giants   “Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head”  8.    The Locust   “Anything Jesus Does I Can Do Better”  7.    Coolio   “Hand On My Nutsac”  6.    The Flaming Lips   “Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell”  5.    Tammy Wynette   ...

Prime Minister introduces proportional representation bill

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the Prime Minister today unveiled a new bill to reform Canada’s ‘First Past the Post’ electoral system that will have its first reading next week. Since coming to power in 2006, the Tories have complained that a party with 30-40 per cent of the popular vote is ...

Prime Minister no fan of bidet

Canadian Prime Minister Cowboy Steve’s reluctance to travel outside of Canada stems from an unfortunate incident with a bidet while visiting China. According to a leaked diplomatic cable from the U.S. embassy in Ottawa, Cowboy Steve was assaulted by the bidet while on an official visit in 2009. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office ...

Conservative government now monitoring unreported crime

Ministry of Justice officials confirmed Friday that the government has recently started compiling statistics of unreported crimes. A spokesperson for MP Rob Nicholson told reporters “We are carefully tracking crimes that are unreported. Our ears have been kept to the ground listening for every rumour, anecdote and innuendo pertaining to unreported crime. People are murmuring, ...

Bev Oda vindicated

Not only was Conservative MP for Durham Bev Oda exonerated of all accusations, she was quickly rewarded with a newly-created cabinet post. There was an announcement from the PMO that Cowboy Steve has named Oda to serve as Canada’s Solicitor of Urban Areas. Oda’s first priority will be to create more jobs in this sector ...

Peter MacKay tightens security on Canada – Egypt border

OTTAWA – In the wake of the recent civil unrest in Egypt, Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay has unveiled strict new security measures on the shared border with Canada. MacKay said he agrees with Prime Minister Cowboy Steve’s view that Egypt poses a threat to Canadian sovereignty in the far north, citing Egypt’s 1967 ...

Prime Minister marks five years in office

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve marks five years in power as Canada’s big cheese, eclipsing the tenures of long-serving Conservative heavyweights Joe Clark and Kim Campbell. Party faithful gathered to celebrate the occasion, and invited guests joined in the festivities.  Cowboy Steve was presented with a joke cake by newbie MP  Julian Fantino. The boss warned ...

Prime Minister announces appointment of dead NFL announcer to Senate

In Ottawa today, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve named famous football personality Don “Dandy Don” Meredith to a new position in the Canadian Senate. “I am pleased to announce the appointment of Don Meredith to the Senate of Canada,” said Cowboy Steve.  “He is well-regarded and a visible figure in his community who will bring a ...

Prime Minister hits caucus with his rhythm stick

The party faithful thought they were attending another fat white guy Christmas party, but little did they know what was in store. Head Tory Cowboy Steve, backed by a crackerjack punk band he hired earlier in the day, entertained his ministers and staff with a rousing five-song set in Ottawa Wednesday evening. Steve and the ...

Canada’s next Governor General

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada’s 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who “represents the best of Canada,” Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada’s next Governor General. Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where ...

Prime Minister: "Toronto can go screw themselves, but they’ll have to do it somewhere else"

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Cowboy Steve vented his anger with Toronto today on the eve of the G8 and G20 summits. “These are the same bastards who laughed at me in high school, stuffed me into a locker and called me names, like ‘Pencil Neck Geek’. Then they don’t vote for us. Not one goddamned ...