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mark a rayner: Ask General Kang: My tinfoil hat isn’t keeping out the voices — what do I do?

The first thing to remember, in the immortal words of Douglas Adams, is: “Don’t Panic!” Hearing voices is a common occurrence for über-chimps who are just starting to come out of the psionic latency period. What is happening is you are hearing the thoughts of other apes around you, but your mind is not capable . . . → Read More: mark a rayner: Ask General Kang: My tinfoil hat isn’t keeping out the voices — what do I do?

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you own a typewriter? And do you have 999,999 co-workers?

I have neither, nor do I have an infinite amount of time, so don’t expect to see me write Hamlet anytime soon. I do, however, have this gripping script about an intergalactic overlord who comes to Earth, starts writing an … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?

It depends on how much respect you’re looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy. From what I can see, your smaller primate groupings here … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: If my foreign policy is a failure, do I have to admit it?

Hell no! If you can’t blame the failures of your policy on some flunky (or opposition party, if you’re unlucky enough to be ruling in a “democracy”) then what kind of leader are you? The best option is to say … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’m sick of school, but should I go to university anyway?

Absolutely! Just because you’re tired of people lecturing you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to subject yourself to it for another three or four years. Some of your Earth “experts” claim that 63 percent of all new jobs will require … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you think we should ban tasers?

I believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of non-lethal stunning weapon. A taser is supposed to be a … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’d like to increase the number of surveillance cameras in my city, but I’m having trouble getting my council to agree. Any advice for a mayor with ambitions?

Surveillance cameras are a must for any would-be intergalactic overlord, which I assume is your ultimate goal. (Just as an aside, mayor is not the best platform to launch such a career, but you can manage it, particularly if you … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic?

You humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic. One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the cover of which was the phrase “DON’T PANIC”. This is … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?

Generally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped eyebrow can make or break your face. (I’m speaking metaphorically, … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you deal with compulsive behaviour?

With technology and fear. On Prolonga XII (the homeworld of the Aphrodisiac Ascendancy before I invaded with my RoboChimp Legion) I had some trouble getting the native hominids there to actually do any work. They were obsessed with it. You … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you address the work-life balance?

For myself, I like to knock off work at about 3 pm, hit the links or drop by the club for a single malt scotch (or three). Back on my homeworld, Neecknaw, I expected my troops, commanders, and personal grooming … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you ever suffer from Twitter regret?

Foolish human! You can’t, as the appropriately ordered phrase has it, have your cake and eat it too. (Most of you lower primates get that backwards.) If you are going to be a shameless performer on Twitter, then you don’t … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: If we have love in a time of cholera, what if do we do we have in a time of swine flu?

Interesting question, but I’m not convinced that swine flu is the next killer pandemic, mostly because of Kang’s Corollary. Kang’s Corollary? You know Murphy’s Law, right: “Anything that can go wrong, will.” Kang’s Corollary is: “Anything that can go wrong, … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you keep your New Year’s Resolutions?

That question assumes that I make such foolish promises to myself. As you are well aware, to be an intergalactic overlord requires a certain self-discipline, an ability to focus the mind and cleave to the task(s) at hand, a certain … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Will you be invading Earth in the New Year?

Well, as your own Sung Tzu said, “All war is deception,” so you’d be foolish to believe anything that I told you. That caveat aside, I will tell you that I’m very impressed with you Earthlings, particularly your creativity; it … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you stay warm in the winter?

You must be writing from Canada, right? Surely you know more about dealing with cold temperatures than I do. I’m the wrong interstellar overlord to ask, because generally speaking, I only take over star systems that have warm, humid planets. … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’d like to protect my kids, so is there some kind of hermetically sealed biosphere that you could recommend?

Definitely. I’d go with a product invented on my native planet, Neecknaw, during the Cranial Trauma Scare at the turn of the last century. It’s called Dr. Ooo-ook’s Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy (or Girl) Environmental Protective Suit. Dr. Ooo-ook was an … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do I stop feeling so nostalgic?

Ah, nostalgia! Of course, I am a primate too, so I have suffered from this particular ailment, though I am loath to admit it. I call it an ailment, because like you humans in previous ages, we Neecknabians see excessive … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I Have No Hair Follicles On My Head. Will This Hurt My Ability to Reproduce?

This is a touchy question, particularly for a hirsute (and handsome) bugger such as myself. The answer is no. I can think of no instance when hair follicles are any way connected to reproductive organs, though it is a strange … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Should we boycott the Olympics in Russia?

Absolutely! I think it’s disgraceful the way that Russia treats its gay and lesbian citizens. On top of that, I don’t think the Ruskies have any idea how many figure skaters their laws would disqualify, and let’s face it, a … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you pardon your followers, even if they did something wrong?

I would never pardon a follower if they did ME wrong, but if they made a “mistake” and were then penalized by the legal community, I might decide to save them from doing prison time — particularly if they’re a … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What should you do if you discover your leader is a hypocrite?

First of all, don’t be surprised. Then, I suppose it depends a little what kind of hypocrite. For example, if you are talking about a leader of a church — let’s say for the sake of argument, an evangelical church … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you deal with bad drivers?

The first thing you have to realize is that I’ve only been subject to the idiocy of my fellow car-jockeys since my arrival on Earth. (Car-jockey is the right term, isn’t it?) Anyway. Back on my home world, we über-chimps … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What do you do when your planet runs out of resources?

What do I do? Shouldn’t you be asking what will you do? What I do is charge up the power cells in my Interstellar Ape-arda, fill the ships with hordes of über-chimps hungry for adventure and loot, and set course … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I believe my boyfriend is an alien. Do you think I should move in with him?

I guess it all depends on what kind of alien. If he’s like one of those friendly nice aliens — say Jeff Bridges in Starman — then I’d say go right ahead. On the other hand, if he is like … Continue reading →