Ask General Kang: Have you ever cried to win an election?
There are a few things you need to know before I can answer this question properly: 1) Über-chimps are physically incapable of crying standard tears… The post Ask General Kang:…
Ask General Kang
Ask General Kang: My tinfoil hat isn’t keeping out the voices — what do I do?
The first thing to remember, in the immortal words of Douglas Adams, is: “Don’t Panic!” Hearing voices is a common occurrence for über-chimps who are just starting to come out…
Ask General Kang: Do you own a typewriter? And do you have 999,999 co-workers?
I have neither, nor do I have an infinite amount of time, so don’t expect to see me write Hamlet anytime soon. I do, however, have this gripping script about…
Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?
It depends on how much respect you’re looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy.…
Ask General Kang: If my foreign policy is a failure, do I have to admit it?
Hell no! If you can’t blame the failures of your policy on some flunky (or opposition party, if you’re unlucky enough to be ruling in a “democracy”) then what kind…
Ask General Kang: I’m sick of school, but should I go to university anyway?
Absolutely! Just because you’re tired of people lecturing you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to subject yourself to it for another three or four years. Some of your Earth “experts”…
Ask General Kang: Do you think we should ban tasers?
I believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of…
Ask General Kang: I’d like to increase the number of surveillance cameras in my city, but I’m having trouble getting my council to agree. Any advice for a mayor with ambitions?
Surveillance cameras are a must for any would-be intergalactic overlord, which I assume is your ultimate goal. (Just as an aside, mayor is not the best platform to launch such…
Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic?
You humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic. One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the…
Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?
Generally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped…
Ask General Kang: How do you deal with compulsive behaviour?
With technology and fear. On Prolonga XII (the homeworld of the Aphrodisiac Ascendancy before I invaded with my RoboChimp Legion) I had some trouble getting the native hominids there to…
Ask General Kang: How do you address the work-life balance?
For myself, I like to knock off work at about 3 pm, hit the links or drop by the club for a single malt scotch (or three). Back on my…
Ask General Kang: Do you ever suffer from Twitter regret?
Foolish human! You can’t, as the appropriately ordered phrase has it, have your cake and eat it too. (Most of you lower primates get that backwards.) If you are going…
Ask General Kang: If we have love in a time of cholera, what if do we do we have in a time of swine flu?
Interesting question, but I’m not convinced that swine flu is the next killer pandemic, mostly because of Kang’s Corollary. Kang’s Corollary? You know Murphy’s Law, right: “Anything that can go…
Ask General Kang: How do you keep your New Year’s Resolutions?
That question assumes that I make such foolish promises to myself. As you are well aware, to be an intergalactic overlord requires a certain self-discipline, an ability to focus the…
Ask General Kang: Will you be invading Earth in the New Year?
Well, as your own Sung Tzu said, “All war is deception,” so you’d be foolish to believe anything that I told you. That caveat aside, I will tell you that…
Ask General Kang: How do you stay warm in the winter?
You must be writing from Canada, right? Surely you know more about dealing with cold temperatures than I do. I’m the wrong interstellar overlord to ask, because generally speaking, I…
Ask General Kang: I’d like to protect my kids, so is there some kind of hermetically sealed biosphere that you could recommend?
Definitely. I’d go with a product invented on my native planet, Neecknaw, during the Cranial Trauma Scare at the turn of the last century. It’s called Dr. Ooo-ook’s Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big…
Ask General Kang: How do I stop feeling so nostalgic?
Ah, nostalgia! Of course, I am a primate too, so I have suffered from this particular ailment, though I am loath to admit it. I call it an ailment, because…
Ask General Kang: I Have No Hair Follicles On My Head. Will This Hurt My Ability to Reproduce?
This is a touchy question, particularly for a hirsute (and handsome) bugger such as myself. The answer is no. I can think of no instance when hair follicles are any…