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mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Classic miscommunication

He’d met her at a bar uptown, and she seemed like a classy dame, but there was something odd about her. When she’d said, “you know Lance, I’d really like to show you my sink, and you could play with … Continue reading →

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mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Bathtime Follies

Belinda was a notorious cheapskate, who was cloned from several ancient lines of DNA; not of any single species, Belinda’s genetic material was a chimera of strands originating with proto-humans from places that are evocative of myth, names to conjure … Continue reading →

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mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: A Life of Adventure

He was born Jars Peeblefrench, son of Bjorn and Nellie Peeblefrench, of the Stavenger Peeblefrenches — a family of well-established merchants in the toenail clipping district. Jars was tired of being Norwegian, and he left his family for a life … Continue reading →

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mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: The captain was a worry

They had been looking forward to their honeymoon, but after meeting the captain, the newlyweds wondered if they shouldn’t just have gone to Brighton. Alltop went to Niagara Falls. The Ambassador, a photo by seriykotik1970 on Flickr.

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Pirate Therapy and Other Cures

My new collection is now available on Amazon and on Kindle: Ever wondered what might happen if your therapist was replaced by a pirate? Or how disquieting it would be to receive postcards from your future self? If William Shatner … Continue reading →

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The Skwib: The Frozen Soylent Green Soft Serve Processor

from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog This is the device that instantly turns Soylent Green and other flavorings into a soft-serve treat. The unit combines frozen Soylent Green and any additional Soylent products you can scavenge and instantly churns the ingredients to produce a treat with the texture of frozen yogurt or soft-serve ice […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: The Frozen Soylent Green Soft Serve Processor

The Skwib: The five second rule

It was the best game of zenball ever, and the crowd was wild with excitement: the whisper of butterfly wings was deafening. The Rotrovra Koan Kangaroos had just scored their first all-in kensho, and the Targenville Half-Lotus Lions replied with a double-satori. The Roos launched a full-out dharma walk, but they were unable to penetrate […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: The five second rule

The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Voyage’s End

February 29, 1933, Capipi Bumonsis I sense the voyage is about to come to an end. The customs agents here are strange men. Their beards are not mellow, but wild and full of strife. Oh, for a helping of soup! But there is no rest. The man with the cane spots my imagined tail, and […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Voyage’s End

The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Freeze the Brass…

April 12, Jungian Analysis Swollen cheeks and brass protuberances strike the crew of the Good Ship Plotkin. It is the worst outbreak of Bugler’s Mouth I’ve seen since the Great War. One by one, the crew is afflicted, and I am left alone to man the ship with “Ahoy Gregor you great walloping pederast.” Alas, […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Freeze the Brass…

The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Kiss-meat

SS Plotkin, circa. 1901 I separate the mists of time like the Great Jabber Monkey’s own cosmic speculum. The Fates glare at me as I slowly walk up the gangway: Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos. “You cannot avoid your destiny,” Clotho says to me, her sea-cap at a jaunty angle. “No,” Lachesis affirmed. “There is no […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Kiss-meat

The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: The English Disease

Brighton, circa. 2000 This young gent claims that his name is Dennis Travesty. Don at Prancing Fairy College. I call him Coclear Implant. Wonder at his hat. The shoes. And where, do you ask, are the monkeys in this photo? They consumed his artificial eyelashes shortly after it was snapped. And still, I travel… Next […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: The English Disease

The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Birdman

January 22, 1978 It appears that in the future, the world is inhabited by a strange race of bird people. I am a happy fellow indeed! Lok-laach-do is my boon companion, though he is molting. His teeth are the razors in my soup! His hat is silly! Most egregious is his mustache. And now, I […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Birdman

The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Departure

December 37, 1932 My voyage begins on the Ukranian Steam Ship, the Plotnik. On the first day, I met our captain. A diminutive, if stern fellow, by the name of Agamon Destroyer of Life. His constant companion was a mute who went by the name of Piffles. (Though he also answered to “Ahoy Gregor you […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Departure

The Skwib: Nude Clanking Down a Staircase

You had to hand it to Wanda the Happy Ending Pleasure Borg; sure, she was two-thirds titanium alloy with Buckyball Graphite Tetro-Carbon piping, but she had a sweet disposition, a lovely singing voice, and legs that just didn’t stop. She had hydraulic servo-motors in places where normal cyborgs could only dream of servo-motors, if you […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Nude Clanking Down a Staircase

The Skwib: The Curious Case of Toulouse Le Grandfig, Graphic Designer (Part Two)

Entry 2: Dictated: April 26, 1951 (continued from Part One) For our first session, I thought I would try to understand Grandfig’s psychosis through the medium of his art. I brought in the artwork he had been working on for a hat-maker, and had him role-play what the characters were saying to one another. [Figure […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: The Curious Case of Toulouse Le Grandfig, Graphic Designer (Part Two)

The Skwib: The Curious Case of Toulouse Le Grandfig, Graphic Designer (Part One)

PATIENT HISTORY OF GRANFIG, TOULOUSE LE File #: 12-23571-X Dr. Abe Cornelius Bellevue Hospital — Psychiatric Triage Center Entry 1: Dictated: April 25, 1951 The patient was brought into the hospital by several co-workers, including his immediate supervisor at Vandelay, Alderson, Pentergrast, Ilterton and Deckard, a mid-sized advertising company on Madison Avenue. The Creative Director, […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: The Curious Case of Toulouse Le Grandfig, Graphic Designer (Part One)

The Skwib: Rozie

Rozie was a helluva’ dame. She could sink those rivets faster than a two-dollar fancy-girl could peel the wrapping off a sailor on shore leave, after he’d been at sea for several months, writing bad poetry and extended metaphors that ended up just kind of petering out, the way that an old man with a […] . . . → Read More: The Skwib: Rozie