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Continue readingAuthor: Baron von Tollbooth
F-35 costs rise $1.25 billion, MacKay forgets to add GST
Peter MacKay maintains he’s acted “always withan eye to providing the men and women in uniform with the best equipment that we can possibly get.”
Continue readingPeter MacKay has jet stink all over him
Dry cleaning expenses will cost much more than originally forecast
Continue readingPeople are jumping to conclusions that we’re stupid, MP says
Defenders say MP Dean Del Mastro’s performance on CBC-TV could be due to medication
Continue readingUN urges Canada to allow North Korea and Congo to monitor next election
Congolese security ensures order and access at polling station. Experts recommend similar strictmeasures in Canada to limit election irregularites.
Continue readingPrime Minister’s Nuts are in a Vise over Voter Suppression Scandal, MP says
OTTAWA – The Prime Minister’s nutsac is being squeezed in an ever-tightening vise, an NDP member said Sunday afternoon. It was revealed that as many as 34 ridings could be involved in the voter-suppression case. A spokesman for Lee Valley Tools remarked that while the type of the vise used
Continue readingMontréal man calls Vic Toews a "lying sack of shit"
MONTREAL – After watching a televised interview with Public Safety Minister Vic Toews, a Montréal area millwright called the MP a “lying sack of shit”. In a response from the government, it was revealed that the man’s name is Michel Boudreau of 1182 Crescent Street Montréal and his phone number
Continue readingVic Toews A-OK with torture interrogation
The government has directed Canada’s spy agency to use information that may have been extracted through torture. Public Safety Minister Vic Toews has told CSIS the government now expects the spy service to use information derived from torture in cases where public safety is at stake. In related news, a
Continue readingConservative MP wants ruling on definitions of "human being" and "asshat"
OTTAWA – A Conservative Party backbencher has introduced a private member’s seeking a study on whether fetuses are “human beings” under Canadian law. The MP also wants to study and “reform” Canada’s 400-year-old legal definition of “asshat”. “Do you become a human being at birth? When do some of us
Continue readingJohn Baird: Nazis were bad guys
TEL AVIV – Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird implied in a speech that Nazis weren’t the great guys some people made them out to be. Mr. Baird claimed that their leader even wrote a book about their philosophies and plans. Baird is due to leave Israel soon, joining
Continue readingPrime Minister announces new naval base for London, Ontario
LONDON – Taking the sting out of the recent closure of the Electromotive plant, the Prime Minister announced Friday that London will be the site of the Navy’s new headquarters and largest naval shipyard. London’s new military command centre will oversee operations of Canadian Fleet Atlantic, responsible for the operation
Continue readingCouncillor Doug Ford to probe anus of TTC
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, Toronto City Councillor Doug Ford wants to give the TTC “a complete enema” . Whether the TTC would be a willing partner to such a procedure is unknown. Enemas are a popular sexual activity between partners in some cultures. Enemas can be pleasurable to either
Continue readingPeter MacKay marries singer Madonna
Federal Minister of Defence married American singer and actress Madonna Ciccone in a quiet ceremony over the New Year’s weekend. After a whirlwind and clandestine courtship, the couple tied the knot at a Gander, NL fishing camp owned by Rob Crosbie. The newlyweds were whisked away in a Cormorant search-and-rescue
Continue readingPrime Minister gets his ass sued
OTTAWA – Former federal cabinet minister Helena Guergis is suing Prime Minister Cowboy Steve, the Conservative party, and several of their lackeys for her 2010 ejection from caucus over allegations of improper conduct. The former cabinet minister publicly stated she had been mistreated and maligned by her former boss and
Continue readingPeter MacKay named to Mile High Club
Air Canada has awarded the jet-setting Minister of Defence membership in the prestigious ‘Mile High Club’. A staffer said the department was proud that the Minister received the honour from Canada’s largest air carrier, and that it was “long overdue”. Ministry insiders later discovered that the award wasn’t exactly a
Continue readingPeter MacKay’s critics say $1450 excessive for hookers
OTTAWA – Critics of Peter MacKay charged that the Defence Minister’s expenses at an overseas security conference in 2010 were out of line. Canadian Taxpayers’ Association spokesman Barney McMillan of Halifax claimed that a reasonably priced Euro-hooker should cost approximately $500, not almost $1500. McMillan added “For that kind of
Continue readingPeter Kent denies being a "piece of shit"
OTTAWA – Minister of the Environment Peter Kent emphatically denied being a “piece of shit” today during Question Period in the House of Commons. MP Justin Trudeau referred to the minister as a “piece of shit”. Kent, a former meat puppet, told reporters that the opposition has no evidence that
Continue readingPrime Minister pulls out of Kyoto, treaty feels emotionally frustrated
OTTAWA – Reading from a teleprompter, Minister of the Environment Peter Kent announced that the Prime Minister is pulling out of Kyoto. Former meat puppet Kent added that Canada would practise abstinence from future environmental treaties, and that a proper courtship would take place in the future. “There will be
Continue readingMP Peter Goldring refuses to blow, job in jeopardy
The Prime Minister’s Office has confirmed Edmonton MP Peter Goldring has voluntarily withdrawn from caucus after the MP for Edmonton East was charged with refusing to take a breathalyzer test early Sunday following a perogy fundraiser. The charge brings an immediate 24-hour licence suspension then a grace period, followed by
Continue readingAide: Prime Minister’s hairpiece made in China
OTTAWA – A former aide to Prime Minister Cowboy Steve said today that the leader’s hairpiece was made in China. The PMO staffer, who left the government in July, also asserted that the piece was ‘prêt-à-porter’, rather than custom made. “Honest to God, with all his money, power and status
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